It’s tough being famous but the sex is good… Isn’t it?

Narcissism, romance and sex

I was once in a pub in London chatting to a musical celebrity whose public persona was a dark, somewhat disturbing one. We hadn’t met before. I was an admirer of his music, and at the time I was making records in a similar genre on a smaller scale. Trying clumsily to bond with him, (and being unattached), I pointed to a girl at the bar and said something about finding her attractive. He said, “go and talk to her”. I said, “I think she’s with that guy she’s talking to”. He said “well, then let’s go over there, and cut his face off”. I suddenly felt deflated. And then also embarrassed. I was not being seen as a person but as a fan. I was being offered not his friendship, not his real ‘self’, but his persona. The difference was clear, because the persona didn’t line up all that well with the real man stood next to me. Despite feeling uncomfortable, I probably smiled. But what does this anecdote have to do with the intimate lives of celebrities?

It’s no revelation that some of the most famous people have the some of most interesting sex-lives. We hear stories of relationships collapsing dramatically, sometimes even violently. But despite the fall from grace, I’m often somehow left with a sense that for a time, before this - before their luck turned - they lived a fantasy life. Should I wish to be in that life and just hope that I don’t make the same mistakes? There are lots of ways to get there now. But there might be a problem. As I’ve looked at the love-lives of some great icons though, I’ve found that narcissism, with its traumatic origins, has something to say about celebrity romance even at its best.

In a recent post I described the ‘performance face’ of narcissism. Those competing to be in the top celeb gossip stories of today’s news feed have a drive to be admired and to perform as their means of finding their value and place in the world. We don’t like to talk about it, perhaps because narcissism has been talked about in a way that narrows it to its ‘perpetrator face’. But it is, on some level, narcissistic to want to be admired by the world, from a distance. And narcissism can have some effects, apparently, on your sex life.

Narcissism theory says some things specifically about sex - narcissistic sex, if you like, that don’t quite fit with the narratives of the gossip magazines. Psychotherapist Alexander Lowen has written a lot about narcissism, the body, romance and sex. He says some things that surprise me:

 “As children, narcissists… were seduced into giving up their sexuality and offered in its place, an image of being special”.¹

They gave up their sexuality? This doesn’t easily line up with the celebrity playboy image. What does he base such a claim on? Lowen describes a number of narcissistic clients spanning his career. Some of them are actors, or the children of celebrities. What he claims to observe in the romantic lives of narcissistic adults fits well with established theories of narcissism from the likes of Otto Kernberg.

In the recent documentary film, Jimmy Savile: A British Horror Story UK TV host Selina Scott is asked to watch footage of herself interviewing Savile (TV presenter and DJ) as a guest back in 1984. During the footage, Savile blatantly flirts with Selina who blushes and smiles through the innuendos. Watching it back, Selina could see that it looked like she was celebrating the man’s charisma and charm. Watching it back, she also said that the TV camera, on that day in 1984, was lying:

“It’s excruciating [to watch]…I was as much an actor in this as he was…So, what I’m looking at here is something totally different from what I actually felt at the time. So, the camera does lie…”²

Here is one example of exciting sexual chemistry being acted out because it was what the audience wanted. In reality, there was something opposite being experienced by Selina - something repulsive. Now that we know Savile’s secrets (see Jimmy Savile post), we could say that this is an extreme example – an outlier. But what if this is a glimpse of something more widespread, that is not spoken about?

Elvis Presley with wife Priscilla

Empathy – is it really necessary?

The most obvious place to start, in narcissistic relationships is problems with empathy. Many would argue that some kind of empathy is vital to a great romantic partnering. Lowen describes, in the celebrity class, a problem with connecting emotionally with others:

“They are not just better, they are the best. They are not just attractive they are the most attractive… [but] Narcissistic characters are completely out of place in the world of feeling and do not know how to relate to people in a real, human way.”¹

Of course, it may be that with great friends to chat to, they’re not looking for empathy from their cool, getting-quite-famous now FWB. And lacking a deep relationship doesn’t mean you have to miss out on an amazing sex life, right?

Person or persona – who are you sleeping with?

Perhaps some people choose exciting, explosive sex, with anyone, over stability, depth and dependence on one person. It’s just a values choice. In the most profound human sexual experiences though, we tend to accept that there is a prompting of our actions by our feelings (love, desire, affection, joy), and bodily impulses. And we tend to think of the stereotypical celeb lover boy as having plenty of these. But if we are talking about narcissism, there is a problem. In narcissism, emotional vulnerability has been experienced in the early years as unsafe. The persona has been developed specifically to get away from feelings. When Lowen writes that there is a “giving up of sexuality”, he is referring to this disconnect with feelings and with the body as a whole. Instead of authentic feelings being the start of a sensual chain reaction, the smallest action in narcissism is dictated by one question: “what would [insert name of persona] do?” Just as my celeb friend in the pub could only let me talk to his persona, maybe those who are narcissistic can only let people sleep with theirs.

Lowen describes a female client who experiences sexual power over others without sexual feeling in herself:

“[She] could compensate for the loss [of parental love] by creating an image that gave her sexual power over men without the vulnerability engendered by sexual feelings. Images [personas] can only be deflated, not hurt”¹

My purpose here, is not to make a moral judgment, but to ask whether we imagine that people with narcissistic features have the option of the kind of whole person intimate relationships that more ordinary folk might experience. Because there is evidence that for some who appear to have all the options, this option may remain a kind of mystery. Lowen sums up, in another client, how the persona (he calls it the image) and lack of sexual feeling might combine:

“The same considerations apply to the woman who tries to project an image of alluring femininity. The image does nothing to increase her sexual feelings and actually diminishes them, because energy or libido is withdrawn from the body feeling... True beauty, for both men and women, lies in the inner aliveness, not the external show of looks.”¹

Again, Lowen makes a connection between the taking up of persona and a loss of sexual feeling itself.

The wedding of Marilyn Monroe and playwright Arthur Miller. The relationship sadly turned sour within weeks.

Relationship or a performance?

The problem with persona, is that it is in essence a performance. If this does make for a great experience, it can be impossible to maintain over time. A one-off encounter maybe all that is wanted. But it may also be the only option available. Lowen describes a narcissistic client who was highly seductive:

“If a young woman responded to his charm, believing that it offered the promise of an exciting relationship, she was sadly disappointed. His engaging manner vanished as soon as the seduction ended, even if it was successful. He did not have the energy to maintain the seduction indefinitely.”¹

Last month I posted about Elvis Presley. This icon of icons had an on-stage persona that oozed sexuality so much that it caused protests. And there were many women in his life. But in private, Elvis seemed to struggle with sustaining intimate relationships – including with Priscilla his wife. I found a similar pattern in the lives of Marlon Brando, Charles Chaplin and Marilyn Monroe – icons chosen for this blog not on the basis of their sex life, but only on the basis of earned, iconic fame.

In narcissism, we have to remember that strategies of performing and being admired from an emotional distance always began in the child as a way to get their basic human emotional needs met. If our chosen idol is dating the best-looking person on the planet, perhaps underneath the journalistic spin, they are still trying to do just this. But are they missing out on something? If they can bring to the bedroom only a persona, and if they suffer from a disconnection from their own emotional self, there will be a lot of work to do, before two people can really see each other and connect intimately in more than a sensory way.

Celebrities are clearly not all the same. I am sorry if you are a celebrity reading this and you have had a loving partner for decades. If this is the case, I wonder what you think though? Does your own experience of achieving this feel a bit ‘against the odds’? And I don’t want to claim that intimate relationships are essential to fulfilment. My point is that in celebrity, which can be affected by narcissism in particular, there is sometimes an idealised idea of romance and sex.

Perhaps in this narcissistic influencer age, we have all lost a part of our human connectedness and passion. But perhaps in this aspect of existence, celebrities are our archetypes. And whilst our media glamourise their distant intimate experiences, we still might catch ourselves undervaluing our own. Perhaps you are a person with very little narcissism. You are well—connected to your bodily self and the feelings that rise from it. You may have a persona at work, but you can switch it off when you come home. In your newsfeed, you see two celebrities who have hooked up. You assume that their experience of love and sex is basically like your own – but with added glamour, physical adoration and a bigger restaurant budget. You experience a little envy. You look at your own ‘ordinary’ relationship. With just that one partner next to you. In that same bed. But what if you have in your relationship the elusive substance on which these glamorous frills can be built. And what if the celeb couple actually have only the frills. According to narcissism theory, they may have never known this substance. In public, they hold hands and smile knowingly (that’s what personas do). But what looks like the ideal, may in reality be a kind of veiled poverty. Maybe for these performers, with their power, admiration and charisma, the search for the mystery of love and connection continues. And you have it in your hands.

Disclaimer: All views expressed are my own unless otherwise stated, and do not necessarily reflect the views of any institution I have been employed by. The content here is for information and should not be interpreted as advice.

References

1.     Lowen, A. (1997). Narcissism: Denial of the True Self. Touchstone.

2.     Deacon, R. (2022). Jimmy Savile: A British Horror Story. Netflix